Feeling like a Looser!!

Back-Ground
The central character, he is just “Me/I” and his 3 of his other friends appear for admission test and interview for IITB. The story describes the overwhelming emotions after the test for “Me/I”.
If you find it resembling to yourself, it is just another coincidence ;)

Story
Finally that worst interview in my life was over. I checked out my watch, it was just 3.45. Just quarter to four! I screamed!! I was getting a feel like being there since decades. These guys made me sweat till I drench in just 20 minutes. That was big blow to my confidence, but still I was trying to look normal and smiling as usual.

Looked around, everybody was anxious. Those who were yet to finish there interview gathered around me to ask, what they asked. Those who were finished with it were trying to have a distance ear. Everybody was busy calculating their chances to get into the one, “Indian Institute of Technology, Powai” for MTech.

Me too just escaped away from those people and started towards Vish. He was giving a pale smile from distance. Explaining how was it with him. Vish, very good friend of mine. We always wished doing our post-graduation together. While I was always in doubt whether that’s what I wanted to do, he was crystal clear that's what he want.

Once all of us were done; me, Vish, Nandu, and Anu started back towards Hostel 15. There we kept our bags in Nandu’s friend’s room, where we stayed for the night. I decided hard, I don’t want to discuss anything, neither about test nor interview. But I was closely listening what the other guys were discussing. Seemed Nandu had a nice interview he answered all his questions, at least he was pretty close to answering them. My chances… Oh!! I think I lost my hope till that time. But I was continuously thinking, but don’t know what, my mind was completely blind.

That was not more than 15 minutes walk back to hostel 15. We packed our bags and thanked all those nice people who helped us during that night stay. Surprisingly I was turning up into totally different person. When they were asking me how it was? I was making jokes, laughing, trying to show my “don’t care” attitude. That is easiest way out when you lose hope. I got down the building fast and alone. Being there anymore and answering how it was? was stifling me.

Everybody got down, we started walk back towards the IITB main Gate. I was lingering back alone glancing all those buildings, greenery, roads, the Powai Lake. Suddenly I was feeling great familiarity with them, but I knew it was probably the last time I was seeing them. My eyes were wet; this was not the way I wanted to say “Good Bye”.

I was deeply feeling myself as a hopeless gauche, one who screwed up his carrier, his life. I just wanted to curse my self with all sort of bad words I know. The feeling of a loser! The frustration!

“Auto”, Vish yelled. Oh! We were near the main gate. Nandu and Anu already left for Kanjur Marg Railway station. I realized Vish was continuously talking to me. What ever was going on in my mind… was that something he saying, or my own feelings. Who cares, both were exactly the same.

They were discussing how to reach back home. Train, bus from Dadar… I was least interested. Finally, they decided and I immediately agreed to catch the MSRTC bus from Dadar. Whenever I am nervous I prefer window seat. I just wanted to be alone. Vish got the clue, he generally never resists on such occasions.

My entire life started flashing in front of my eyes. All my admissions… all my scores so far… Was that the first occasion I was failing? My life so far... So much simple and straight forward... Whatever I wished I got it. Or was that something I never wished too high, to not to get it?

“Is this something that I want to achieve? Is this my dream or Vish’s? Till today morning, I was not sure; if I clear I will go for it. Did I really lose something or merely pain of failure. Why does it happen to me? Till the time I thought I can make it, I was not sure I want it. And suddenly the feeling of not getting it was sinking my heart, making me desperately need it. “

"Is this called deja vu." I was thinking about Priya. "I was never sure; she was the kind of girl I was looking for. But the day I got to know, it was too late! I just wanted her!".”Dude! Why are you smiling?" Vish half awake. "Surprising, Still mere thought of her makes me smile!"

“Man! I am not that damn bad. Nandu was asked questions about Comp Sci only. I wish that should have been my interview. I also knew all those answers. I doubt he might have answered about “Statistical Expectations”. How we were supposed to know that. Luck! Was that luck! How about destiny! I never believed those words before. Why I want to believe them today?”

“Hey you Loser! Don’t try to comfort yourself with all those fancy words.” another voice in my mind “You are an a**! Feel bad about it. Feel lost! Feel that you big time screwed up the things for you. Feel hurted! Never forget it.”

“Thissssh”, the air-breaks of bus. Oh! It was Akurdi. Everybody except me was fast asleep. Don’t know for how much time this emotional roller coaster was going on, but finally it was over. My bus stop was just round the corner. Suddenly I was getting a feeling of becoming 5 years older. Experience! Totally different experience today! How things can perfectly go wrong, and screw you up.